I remember the exact place I was when he called. ‘I got diagnosed with ADHD. He want me to start take medication for it.’
I tryed to stay calm, asked him how he was feeling about it, and he said he was feeling okay, and that he had probably known for a while. Then I felt this wave of relief, a feeling that maybe things would get better, easier for him and for us now.
Then he said ‘our kids have a 50% risk of having it too.. and also bigger risk to autism and stuff like that’ . I looked down at my little boy and my baby girl and i froze. I quickly ended the call and did everything possible to keep my tears back. My brain was exploding, I kept thinking all those ‘what if’s.. what if the kids had something, what if my selfless wish to have kids was the reason they might have to go through a life with so many obstacles.. what if they would suffer more than their friends.. what if, what if, what if.. then I decited to call my mum.
I told her about the diagnose and then I told her that the kids were in pretty high risk too.. and then I cried. Right there in the middle of the street in front of my kids and everyone else passing by. She tried to comfort me, and to tell me that this was good, and if they were to have a diagnose we were now in a much better position to help them, to be aware, to understand.
I tried to pull myself together, I didn’t want to come home like this, I had to be strong for my husband now, not the other way around.
This was shortly before Ellies 1st birthday. She had shown do be an energetic girl very early on, and around her 1st birthday we started having trouble putting her down for her nap.
Alfie was 3,5 years when we ‘took his nap away’ and by then he would still sleep for hours on his nap. So it didn’t feel right that she would already not need a nap.
At the same time Alfie moved from daycare to kindergarten. I didn’t though it would be hard for him, he never had any issues going to daycare, getting dropped off etc. But that completely changed when he started kindergarten.
The next year was really hard. My husband started taking medicine for his ADHD, and he didn’t respond well. His doses were often increased. He started sleeping worse, feeling worse and he just really didn’t feel well, I could tell that by looking at him for a second.
After a few months it turned out he had been overdosed and he was cut back. It helped a little but not much and he was miserable.
Meanwhile I tryed my best to take responsibility for the kids and our home. I slowly started to pull away from my husband, we had so many conflicts all the time, and I was just too tired, I couldn’t handle it. My husband had to fight his own battle, so I felt that I had to do all the rest and definitely not cause any further problems for him. I began to feel really really lonely. We were just two people living under the same roof. I didn’t have the energy or the conscience to go anywhere without the kids, because I knew it was too stressfull for my husband to have them alone.
The next spring I couldn’t do it anymore. I talked to him, I cried and cried and told him I was exhausted. I couldn’t go on like this. He was hurt. He felt like it was his fault, that I was blaming him. I understood, but I was so frustrated because all I wanted was to help him. After that we had a few deep talks.
He started to take a different kind of medicine and things got better. He was more attentive to help in our home, and some of the problems we had that were still there felt easier to talk about along the way because we did talk about it. We got better, together, closer.
Ellie was still struggleing to sleep, both her nap and the evening tuck in’s were a nightmare. We both felt frustrated about it, and at the same time we had Alfie who was mostly really easy, but also really much in need of us, beeing close and taking things slowly.
He couldn’t handle to many plans and was easely overstimulated. The drop off in kindergarten remained a nightmare, and Corona rules did not make it any easier for him. Most days the caretakers would have to pull him away from me with force while he was screaming (not crying, screaming), kicking, hitting and yelling ‘mummy don’t let them take me, don’t walk away from me’. I was devastated every day. He had a great time during the day, thank god, but he also had an inner clock knowing when I would be back, and every day when I came he would stand with his back on by the fence when I came for him.
His days in kindergarten was short and I often gave him a day off because I was still home with Ellie. But the days away took out all of his energy.
Then Ellie started daycare..
To be continued..
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